Denial

So this cute 21 year old girl I have known for a while sends me an email saying she is looking for a gap year placement (internship for you yanks) in my line of work. We exchanged emails over a few months then we meet for a coffee and drink after work to talk. Course, the subject moves from her career to general chat. She's got no boyfriend and doesn't want one - "too possessive and immature" she says. I guess she's referring to guys of her own age.

Now, as you are all aware, I am some way older than her. It's a (sad) fact that I was sexually active 9 months before she was born so I am quite literally old enough to be her father.

Anyway, we stay in touch and she eventually gets a job in London and starts work. She suggests we meet, I suggest dinner, she's delighted to come.

One of the endearing qualities about her is her bubbly, innocent enthusiasm and this makes her a good companion for dinner. She's a bright girl and can more than hold her own in conversation. It wasn't often that I felt I was merely humouring her. We had interesting discussions.

Anyway after dinner we went for more drinks in a wine bar and then fuelled by alcohol and general bonhomie (and lust on my part) we decide to go to a club in the West End. Now, we're getting along fine, she is touching me as we talk. She tells me she now has a boyfriend. She says she not really serious about him and she thinks he is a dead-cert to cheat on her. But she is such a goody two shoes that she will not bring herself to cheat.

I kissed her gently on the forehead as I got up to go to the loo. Our knees touch as we sit next to each other and talk, I held her hand as we walked along to the club and I stroked her arm, kissed her hand, caressed her back and she didn't recoil from any of this contact. Except when I took it that next step. I went to kiss her cheek as we were sitting down and she turned her head away.

So it's not happening.

Maybe I just have to accept that I am too old for young girls like her.

It was a fun evening but tinged with disappointment. Dinner, drinks and dancing, getting on well, physical tenderness but no sex at the end. And I spent a small fortune (nearly £200). Much cheaper to visit an escort for sex. But I admit that there is something to be said for spending one-on-one time with a beautiful girl who wants to spend time with you, even though they don't want to fuck you.

Drunk dialing...

...is a phrase I've come across a lot in recent times and sadly it seems to be something that I have been guilty of. The problem is mobile phones. Or more specifically the phone books we all have on our mobile phones, which if, in a drunken lonely moment in a hotel room, you start to look through makes you think it would be a good idea to phone old girlfriends or girls you wished you could shag.

Its pretty bad if you press the green button and ring them. Chances are if it's late at night you'll get voicemail. Worse is text. There's no way to retract a drunken message.

Now, the text I sent to Carmel was a bit slushy and kind of made it pretty clear I still felt something for her. So I got the "don't contact me again" response from her.

As it is likely that I will be drunk again and alone again, the only antidote is to erase all such numbers from the mobile phone book. Which I have done. Phone book is all work related people now and there are no numbers of beautiful work colleagues from the past. I even deleted Y.

Oi...you're barred!

In a strange parallel I have managed to upset people and get the door slammed in my face 3 times recently:

1. I posted a negative comment on Mistress Matisse's blog. Obviously upset her, even though there were no profanities or lewd comments. She deleted the comment and blocked my IP address.

2. I have had the misfortune to have a condom break on me twice recently with different girls form the same agency. They think I have done it on purpose so have banned me as being unsafe. Commendable policy to protect their girls though.

3. In a drunk moment last night I sent a text to Carmel saying something like its been a year, I'm okay I wasn't injured in the bombings. She sent a text back to me saying not to contact her again.

My responses:

1. Not much I can do here short of constantly dissing her on other sites but I can't be bothered to invest the mental energy to wage a hate campaign.

2. Shame as there were some nice girls at that agency and I am sure they would like to see me again. I might go back and see Jenny but I might give up the whoring altogether and put some effort into finding a real relationship.

3. This is sad but understandable. Christ knows she may have received it when in bed with her new man. She wants to move on. I need to as well. I've deleted her from my phone list.

Life is changing.