18 June 2004

Like the rest of the nation, I sloped off early yesterday to watch the footy. A few of my other colleagues had arranged to stay over and watch the football and Y was organising where to go. I couldn't face being with her in a group and having to hide what we'd done and where our relationship had got to. It's like we would both have to act so differently with a group of colleagues that it would be painful.

So I took up an offer from one of my mates who works for a private equity house to watch the game in a pub in Duke Street with some of his colleagues. Despite the alleged popularity of "the beautiful game" with the girlies, this was a distinctly male affair. Which is a pity as I would have loved to have discussed the relative merits of the straight 4-4-2 as opposed to the diamond formation with a Gabby Logan lookalike (or the Gabster herself). Nevertheless, a good "reezowlt" although the Croats look like they might be a bit tougher than the Swiss.

Buoyed by this, and a couple of drinks (lager of course), plus a stirring of a need for some sexual healing, I decided to visit Jenny last night and the experience was up to the usual high standards. So much so I am feeling very chipper this morning.

Y is across the desk from me as I write this and she has no idea what I got up to last night and no idea what I am typing. Good. I feel a sense of liberation and power.

17 June 2004

It's a bloody good job my current assignment is so unchallenging because I could not do a serious piece of work with the turmoil Y is creating in my head and my heart. Dinner last night was pretty much an exact replica of the night before.

At least she is excellent company. Both during the working day and in the evening. I think I am at least becoming a special friend to her even if we don't become lovers. We've almost done this the wrong way round. We fucked too early in the process of getting to know each other. In the office she (we) are able to joke about our night of passion, she half teasingly, half seriously questioning my description of my sexual prowess.

She does know how to say things to get a sex starved thirtysomething like me drop his jaw in wonderment.

"James, you know I'm an insomniac, well, I have to keep waking Jonathon up to make love to me. Its the way I pass the time." and, as I popped my eyes back into my head she added "it's not that special, all my boyfriends end up getting annoyed with it." Logically, this makes sense. Continual sleep deprivation would cause any man to get antsy. But I'd be willing to take the challenge.

And then she said:

"I don't go to the gym, I stay in shape by having lots of sex."

I so,so,so need a woman like her.

When we came back to the hotel I so wanted to see her again that I went to her room and knocked on the door. No reply. I told her that I did this at breakfast and she was cool about it. She said she didn't hear it and I get the impression that she would/might have let me in. Maybe she's just teasing me again.

I think I am gong to have to get a working girl around because she has got me so sexually wound up I am going to explode.

16 June 2004

Had dinner with Y last night again a deux. She is so very beautiful that you are proud walking into a restaurant with her. Watching other men checking her out and wishing they were in my position. But Y is no bimbo trophy girl arm candy. No, she is an intellingent young woman and that adds to her beauty. In fact you can see her intellingence in the calm assured movements of her hands and head and her whole posture.

We talked more about ourselves, sharing even more intimate details of our pasts and our hopes for the future. We covered the subject of what happended on Thursday night but it was in the form of me filling in the blanks and her coming out questions like:

"Are you sure we kissed in public?"

"Yes, we did. You kissed me."

"But I never kiss in public, its so trashy"

We laughed and joked and I melted when I stopped and looked at her smiling at me across the table. She is so beautiful and I want her.

The subject of how we felt about each other was not covered. She never said, "James, I fancy your arse off and want you in my bed every night." I never said, "I must have you and will do everything to make you mine." Maybe because neither is true.

I put my arm around her shoulder as we walked back to the hotel. She wriggled away saying in a friendly tone "James, you mustn't".

Back at the hotel I couldn't sleep. This was made worse by the sound of a couple in the next room shagging. So inconsiderate don't you think! It wasn't Y, in case you are wondering. We are in different rooms from last Thursday, not that I used my room much that night.

15 June 2004

Y told her boyfriend she slept with me. What's more she seemed to be surprised that he was angry about it. I can't understand why she told him unless she wanted to ditch him, which she may well do, but from her attitude yesterday and so far today it won't be to be with me. Otherwise, she has just hurt him for no reason other than to clear her guilty conscience. It will have destroyed any trust he had in her and if she had any intention of Jonny-boy being a long term partner, well she has just given him something to throw in her face every time he steps out of line(as we all seem to do at some point).

She didn't stay over yesterday and so I haven't been able to work out where we stand. I had lunch with her but there was one of our colleagues there, a bloke she considers to be one of her mentors, so they were bullshitting each other whilst I picked at my pizza. I think we have more to say to each other but she is avoiding me.

Yesterday evening I didn't have anything to eat. I wandered around town and went into this large bar with a massive screen to watch the football. They were doing their bit to increase town centre binge drinking by offering two drinks for the price of one. As I watched Sweden demolish Bulgaria the bar started to fill up with groups of girls. I know the Beckham effect has got the girlies interested in the so-called beautiful game but odd to see so many groups of just girls in to watch football.

All became clear when after the footy on came the DJ and up went the volume. Les filles headed for the dance floor, gyrating to Timberlake, Spears, Minogue et al.

As I was finishing off my second bottle of Kronenborg these two young girls came and started chatting to me. Nice as they were I couldn't summon up the will to try and get any further with them. So I left. But back at the hotel started to fantasize about a threesome. Like Belle said in her entry yesterday, sex for one helps you sleep.

Y is staying tonight. I wonder if she'll risk coming out to dinner with me again.

13 June 2004

Despite the best efforts of England rugby, cricket and football teams, who were respectively disappointingly poor, good (they were only playing a weakened NZ though) and stupid, most of the weekend has been occupied with thoughts about Y.

11 June 2004 - part 2

What causes me confusion over Y is that in the morning she said she didn't remember what happened. That kind of leaves you in limbo land about what she feels about me. Does she fancy me? Was she so drunk I could have been any spare dick to satisfy her needs?

We got pretty drunk last night. Dinner was in a pasta restaurant, where any external observer would have seen a "couple". A guy taking his beautiful girlfriend out for a meal: table for two, candles and flowers, sharing a bottle of red and two spoons for a shared dessert, her perfect teeth flashing and eyes sparkling as she laughed and we shared ever more intimate details about ourselves. We were a couple. Not colleagues politely accompanying each other dinner.

So afterwards, about 9.30 we went to a bar. One of these chains that seem to be springing up in towns all over the country. Pine floors, polished chrome, armchairs and sofas, bottled beers and alcopops. Place even had a mini-dance floor and a DJ. Being Thurdsay as well, the whole town was buzzing and this bar was packed. We drank beers and she matched me bottle for bottle, not bad for a girl who is 5ft 4ins and about 8 stone. We were getting closer and closer, physically and in our converation.

A young couple (late teens early twenties) sitting on a sofa near had been trying to lick each others tonssils for the about half an hour. Eventually they left (I guess even these hormone and alcohol fuelled youth would stop short of humping in a public bar)and we moved on to their sofa. I made some pathetic joke about like "Well, we should do what they were doing". That line didn't work so after a while I had to make my intentions clear so I stroked her cheek. She said very quietly and calmly "Don't touch me." She was smiling as she said it, and it wasn't as if she recoiled in horror.

Naturally I was embarrassed but she seemed to think I was upset and went and bought double shots of vodka as a consolation for me. We downed those, a couple more and then the bar was closing. Y asked one of the girls behind the bar where we could go with a late licence. Luckily the bar next door was open so we went there. Y was still on this Vodka frenzy as if both of us had to drown our sorrows. W

e sat on two bar stools facing each other. Our conversation continued along the lines it had before, people we like, what we find attractive, de-crying the youth of today (she being a venerable 30 years and and me a wrinkly 37 years). Interestingly, she placed both her hands on my thighs as she looked up to me as we talked - I though she said no touching!

The bar, again a chain (Walkabout I think it was), had a dance floor. Club tunes were booming and the place was filling up. Lots of groups of young girls, from some of whom I detected glances in my direction, were flooding in fromother bars. Well, I thought, I've blown it with Y but maybe I could stay here a try my luck.

Maybe she read my thoughts but at about 12.30 Y just got up off her stool and went out of the pub. I stayed where I was. The pub had a big glass window and I watched her walk off. She went about 10 yards and stopped. She turned round, put her hands on her hips and glared at me through the window. She wants to me to walk her back to the hotel, I thought.

Off we went. I put my arm around her shoulder. Halfway back to the hotel she stopped, stood in front of me put her arms round my neck and we kissed.

Back at the hotel we burst into her room. Our tongues were locked together as I frantically undressed her. She pulled my shirt and trousers off. I cupped her perky tits in my hands before kissing and licking each nipple in turn. She has lovely long nipples that stood firm and erect as my tongue played with them. I moved down and removed her knickers an stared to kiss her inner thights before moving to lick her clit as my fingers gently caressed her labia lips. I thought she was enjoying it but she pushed me up and leapt off the bed with her hand over her mouth. She was puking up!

She ran into the bathroom and proceeded to fill the sink.

Shit. That's, that over then. Bummer. She shuffled back, muttered sorry and collapsed on the bed and seemed to go straight to sleep.

What could I do? As she had vomited, I thought I had better stay with her to make sure she doesn't do it again and choke. I used some of the towles to clean up some of the puke. I also cleaned out the sink. The place was reasonable, although the hotel was going to have fun cleaning the bed spread.

I laid down beside her. I was just about to drift off to sleep when she rolled on top of me and started kissing me, her long black hair covering us both. Her body was so soft and firm. Her arse was just so wonderful to cup in my hands. She forced my cock inside her. When she tired of being on top I turned her onto her back and fucked her in the missionary position. Then I lifted her legs onto my shoulder and I came.

We slept for a short while but then I woke to her kissing me. We fucked again. After we finished it was getting light. Strangely she called me Robert whilst we were screwing the second time. The name of her ex-boyfriend, not her current one.

She seemed to be shocked to find it was me in bed with her. As we kissed and talked she said she had forgotten about last night. She didn't remember the second pub and cannot remember coming back to the hotel.

After a long time of kissing cuddling and cutesie pillow talk I left to get ready for the day ahead and said I would meet her at breakfast.

She came down at about 8am in the hotel breakfast room.

"Nothing happened last night did it, James?"

"Yes, we did it, twice" I said surprised

"Were we careful?"

"No, were weren't" I answered

"Shit. I'm not on the Pill. I've only been seeing Jonathan for 2 months so haven't got round to it."

"Sorry. What'll you do?"

"Have your baby" I think she was joking.

11 June 2004

I feel crap but also excited. Spent the night fucking Y after an evening of heavy drinking. I'll cover this more later but have had a day of confused emotions. On the one hand trying to work after no sleep and lots of drink is often difficult. But to do it sitting opposite a gorgeous babe you spent the last 7 hours screwing requires focus if you are to add any value to your client (I failed today).

What's more I don't know whether this is a one night stand and that's it or if it is going to be something more. We didn't use a condom and she's not on the pill so it was the morning after pill. At lunch we went to Superdrug. But she's never had to get them before and was really embarrassed about it. So I went and asked the chemist for the pill.

No doing.

This twentysomething blondie told me gently, "Your lady will need to come in and get it as we have to ask her some medical questions".

Fine.

So then we had to find another chemist because there was no way Y was going in there after me.

Once she had got the pill we went to KFC for some lunch. I could feel us getting closer. Getting through little traumas like the Getting the Pill brings people together.

Still can't get the images of what we did last night out of my mind. But I don't know what to do about Y. More on it all later.

10 June 2004

More on Y.

I had noticed her whilst I was working in our office at London and I think she had noticed me. We have a pretty awful culture in that you can sit on one of the hot-desks and work in close proximity to people without ever conversing with them. Having worked in France where you are forced to engage with people you meet and work with every day, with a handshake and a "Bonjour" or "Ca va?", coming back to a working environment akin to sitting on the tube is always depressing. Hot-desking has kind of disconnected people.

However, just like on the tube you can tell when someone looks at you for longer than necessary. I know I had admired her beauty (read oggled) when I felt neither she or nor anyone else would notice. I also, on a couple of occasions, raised my eyes from my desk to briefly catch her looking at me.

Of course, trying to chat her up was just out of the question for four reasons:

1. I cannot chat women up and haven't done so successfully for at least 12 years. Even 12 years ago I was appallingly bad at it. Alpha male I am not.

2. It would be so obvious to all around that any attempt to strike up conversation would be a blatant chat-up line. Result: instant lounge-lizard reputation.

3. I may not get anywhere (weak I know)

4. Its against the firm's rules to have a relationship with colleagues (or clients). However, tis hasn't stopped anybody yet.

Anyway, about a month ago a mutual colleague introduced us and we exchanged perfunctory "Please to meet you"s and "Seen you about"s. It was no more than that.

So when I found out that she was starting on this project it was one positive in a whole load of negatives. At the very least there would be someone attractive to hang out with.

Monday morning I spied her approaching in the client's open plan office. I was trying to act nonchalant but she marched up to me and said "Hi James".

Since when we've got on pretty well. There are loads of people at the firm that we both know really well and we both like to gossip. I think we represent some light relief for each other from the drudgery of working at this client.

We are staying in the same hotel tonight so I'll see if she wants to come and get something to eat with me. This is safe. We are colleagues staying away from home and having dinner together is normal. However, if she says "no" I'll know I've got it completely wrong.

Of course I will not be able to vote as I am away from home. I missed the last general election as well because I was in France working. Still, I probably would have had difficulty in choosing between UKIP, the Greens, Respect etc...

A demain.

9 June 2004

Drive in was okay today. M25 was behaving itself. When I have to circumnavigate London I always make sure I hit the big roundabout before 7am so I can pretty well be sure I'll get off it by about 8am.

Job is really dull. AM seems okay to work for, if a bit confusing, but I'm acting as his deputy on a job I could run myself. But then I expect he thinks his role is a bit beneath his experience. In our job we always expect to be moving upwards, doing things that are a stretch and a challenge compared to what we've done before. Now we are all scrabbling for work, and sitting in the office makes you a sitting duck for the next round of redundancies, we have to lower our expectations.

Found a hotel. One of the large business chains. I went looking for Hotels with Y yesterday during lunch. She's in the same boat as me with the difference that she hasn't got a car and has to go by train. When I had to correct the receptionist at one of the hotels that it was two rooms we needed not one I detected some embarrassment from Y. First night away will be tomorrow.

Should be quite nice as when the weather is so warm it really is a pig to be spending the sunny early evening driving. At least I'll be able to sit out and have drink after work.

I've had the Police's "King of Pain" tune running through my head after the Venus "eclipse" of the sun. Why..."There's a little black spot on the sun today" is the first line I think.

Ciao

8 June 2004

Started work at a new client yesterday. I say a new client but actually it's one I spent 6 months of hell at about 7 years ago. The hell wasn't so much that the work was crap or the people obnoxious, it was that I was in a lot of pain from a shoulder injury I got playing Rugby. I was working on heavy duty anti-inflammatories and painkillers. The place was dull as well. Being a government organisation the people were pleasant enough but they weren't able to excite, either with their intellect or their looks. My painkillers became a bit of light relief. 50mg codeine. I think its an opiate based painkiller. Certainly gave an all-over warm feeling when I took them.

Anyway, I am not too enthused with the fact that the straightened consulting market means I have to be back here. At the moment government seems to be the only sector that is spending serious money.

The other downer is that it means that I will have to stay away from home. The town is under 40 miles from London but its the wrong side. Makes my journey 2 hours at best. So its Hotel life, again.

On the upside, our programme manager, AM, is reputed to be a good chap. I know a few of our team from the past and there is one hot babe on our team, Y. In fact she started at the client yesterday with me. The offices themselves are pleasant and are close to the centre of town so there are plenty of shops and restaurants within walking distance.

Today's task is to find a hotel.